Can I have a little more me in the monitor?

A couple of years ago I found a list of 99 questions on Jonathan Carroll’s site, which he hadn’t answered, in defiance of typical blog-meme style. Unlike most of these lists, I liked this one, and I’ve kept a copy of the questions around as something to look at “when I get time”. Well, today I get time.

Also, since this will be a tremendously long post, I get to try out the “click for more” thing so that it doesn’t completely fill the main page. Yay for technology.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

(The 99 Most Important Questions)

Dark or light chocolate?
Dark. Definitely dark. (As an aside, there is too much sugar in North American chocolate.)

Sunrise or sunset?
Sunset. More colours, more potential in the night than the day. One of the unexpected bonuses of moving to the ocean is the relentless beauty of the sunset. It’s never the same twice, and it’s always so beautiful. My wife sometimes makes fun of me because I stop almost every day to just marvel.

Black ink or blue ink?
Black. The contrast of black writing on a white page is so much more satisfying. And the cross-hatched sketches in the margins are nicer in black too.

CDs or records?
CDs. Digital is lovely, and much easier to translate into other formats. (My apologies to the ghost of Barry Statham, who may now come to haunt me for saying this.)

Ballpoint or roller?
Preferrably a well designed gel roller-ball type pen. I can’t use felt-tip markers without destroying them because of my INCREDIBLE STRENGTH (or possibly my intrinsic lack of grace).

Digital watches or traditional?
Traditional. I’m with the late Douglas Adams on this.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea …

– Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’S Guide To The Galaxy”

I like a large face, a little bit of style to make it distinctive (but no so much that it can only be worn with biker leathers, or Saville Row tailoring, or anything.) All other things being equal I prefer a leather band, which I think both wears better and dresses up and down better than the metallic ones.

All that being said, I very rarely wear a watch.

Fish or steak?
I do not eat anything that ever swam, or crawled underwater, or ever just sat there on the bottom of the water.

So, steak.

French or Italian?
Italian.

I spent a number of years living in French-speaking areas, and was even fluent for a while (although after 15 years of neglect, I am now lucky if I can manage to order my lunch when I’m passing through Quebec). There is nothing wrong with French.

But, the time I spent in Italy is so much more vivid in my mind, perhaps partly because I had no idea what anyone was saying. One thing that I did notice is that when you can’t understand the words you tend to look at the pattern of the conversation: body language, tone of voice, how long each person talks for, etc. My conclusion, from this kind of study while in Milan and Rome, is that there is no such thing as a discussion in Italian, and that there are actually only three modes of communication: minimalist retail transaction communication, one person is telling another person (or a group) a story, or two (or more people) are vehemently arguing.

I love the idea of a whole culture that only communicates by storytelling or argument. While I’m sure the Italians are actually much less cartoon-like than this, wouldn’t that premise make a great SF story?

Bar soap or liquid?
Bar. Something like Irish Spring. Liquid soap is for restaurant bathrooms.

Vanilla or chocolate?
Vanilla. Most things that come in vanilla and chocolate options have a chocolate flavour that isn’t really chocolate–it’s the flavour of the syrup you add to milk to make “chocolate” milk. So even fake vanilla beats fake chocolate. And, of course, real vanilla beats both kinds of fakes, and even beats real chocolate.

Muldar or Scully?
Mulder. While he crossed the line from symbolising the search for Truth into symbolising Faith several times, at least he didn’t represent Active Ignorance.

Black and white or color?
Black and white. It’s all about contrast. (Nature does colour better than we do, most of the time., anyway.)

Coca Cola or Ginger Ale?
Ginger Ale, it’s better with rye than Coke. (But, do have a bit of lime on hand, won’t you?)

Long or short fingernails?
I need mine short, since I make my living somewhere between my head and a keyboard, but I prefer that anyway. On women I also prefer relatively short nails–the really long ones are both creepy and indicative of a lack of elegance and a very high maintenance requirement.

Mick or Keith?
Keith. His house is _full_ of books. (He’s actually in this coffee table book I have about people with crazy large libraries and how they have adjusted their house to deal. It’s not a “celebrity house” book, it’s a “home library” book that Keith happens to be in.)

Besides, in an emergency, who do you want with you? I want the man who apparently can’t be killed.

Typewritten or handwritten?
I love the idea of handwritten things, but the reality is that most people are wretched in their penmanship, and who has time to deal with that?

Lights on or off?
Off. (Now, if the question had included candles…)

Coffee or tea?
Coffee. Black, strong coffee, made from freshly ground beans. For maximum visual enjoyment of the process, it should be prepared in a vaccuum press.

Rodan or Godzilla?
Godzilla. Come on: giant nuclear lightning lizard versus giant scaled rooster?

Cotton or silk underwear?
Cotton. Silk is too, um, distracting for day-to-day use. Although for outdoor hikes, snowshoeing, etc, I do have a set of silk ‘longjohns’ that does a great job of keeping my heat in.

Black or white?
Black. There’s nothing there yet. (Or maybe there is, and you can’t see it, and it’s waiting for you to get close enough…)

Glasses or contacts?
Glasses. I tried contacts for a while, but given the amount of time I spend looking at a screen…

Besides, glasses make me look smarter, which is important since my salary is dependant on how smart my boss thinks I am.

Morning or evening?
Evening. Given my druthers I would be alseep until society dictates that it’s lunch time.

Cats or dogs?
Cats. They move just like lions, tigers, etc. They have the best scam ever going–they get what they want, when they want it, and they don’t have any jobs around the house; no paper-fetching, no house-guarding, etc.

Besides, if a cat condescends to like you, that means something. If a dog likes you it could mean a lot of things, but probably just means the dog saw you.

Bogart or Bacall?
Bacall. All day and all night, Bacall.

To Have And Have Not is surely extremely derivative of Casablanca, and does some not insignificant harm to the source material, but I will watch it every chance I get, and that’s not all for Hoagy Carmicheal. “You just put your lips together and blow.”

(Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall fell in love during production. Director Howard Hawks afterward said that it was actually Bacall’s character Marie that Bogart had fallen for, “so she had to keep playing it the rest of her life.” I can understand that.)

Dessert first or last?
Last. If I had it first, then when I was done the mains I would just want more dessert.

Leather or wool?
Leather. It’s better in the rain, it’s better when you get thrown from a moving vehicle, it wear betters, it’s not as itchy, and damn it, it just looks cooler.

Doberman Pinscher or bulldog?
Bulldog. Just for the sheer “stiff upper lip” factor.

Rain or snow?
Snow is more fun to look at, and play in.

Rain is more fun to shovel.

Meat sauce or marinara?
Marinara. Despite the name, there is no evil fish stuff in it, and it tastes good.

Meat sauce contains ground beef, which I am very suspect of in any form but the burger patty. (I should be suspicious of that too, but my social training is too complete.)

John or Paul?
John.

How is this even a question:

“Red Lights, Green Lights,
Strawberry Wine,
A Good Friend Of Mine,”

versus

“Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you’re so clever and class less and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see”

Ice cream or sherbet?
Ice cream. Look, cold desserts are all about the fat content. Have a real ice cream (not that iced milk stuff that’s at the grocery store) and you will be very happy indeed. And satisfied after one scoop, too.

Casablanca or The Third Man?
Casablanca. In this question, it’s all about the supporting players. Claude Rains, Sydney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre, and of course Dooley Wilson!

Peanuts or cashews?
Peanuts, except in Kung Boa/Kung Pow/however you want to transliterate it. Cashews are too soft for fun eating by themselves.

Boy George or Curious George?
Curious. While they were both curious, it’s easier for me to relate to the stuff Curious George was curious about. Besides, I like misadventures.

Taste or smell?
Smell. Taste is nothing without smell, as the old apple/onion trick shows. Besides, smell is the sense most deeply linked to memory, isn’t it?

Sooner or later?
Later. I’ll get around to it eventually.

Trains or planes?
Trains. Nicer seats, room to stand up, I can go get a drink when I want one, and most importantly: no airports.

Cut grass or woodsmoke?
Woodsmoke. Sudden memories of camping trips (when I was young enough to think camping was fun), or weekends at the cottage, of sitting around the fireplace with a glass of wine…

Lipstick or Chapstick?
Chapstick, although not the medicated kind, since I have it on good authority that you can actually build up a dependence on that. Even for women, since I’d rather see or kiss soft lips that chapped ones, of whatever colour.

Frankenstein or Dracula?
Dracula. He was not misunderstood. He was not a tragic figure. He was a badass, with a title, and an agenda. Plus–vampire babes!

Khakis or jeans?
Jeans. The defining icon of western culture, for a reason. Denim is right up there with the printing press, in my books. Khakis are for people too insecure to wear jeans to work.

Paperback or hardcover?
Hard. It lasts longer, feels more like a book, you have to really work to hurt the spine, and the cover art is bigger.

Steam or sauna?
Sauna. Although I’d much rather sit in an outdoor hottub that’s around 115F while the ambient temperature is around -20F.

Video or TV?
Video. No commercials. Pause. On my schedule. (Of course today this really means BitTorrent and PVRs…)

Subway or bus?
Subway. The subway is hip and urban, has an easily decipherable map (except in London), and will be along in a minute. The bus is ponderous, erratically scheduled (except in Ottawa), and not at all cool.

Bath or shower?
Shower for getting clean. Sitting around in a pool of dirty water is not a way to get clean–although it can be very relaxing, if it’s hot enough and you have a disposable book to read. (And, it should be noted, if the tub is long enough that a person more than six feet tall can comfortably lie in it while mostly submerged. A fie on modern plumbing! Bring back the clawfoot 6′ tubs with the reclining back!)

New York or LA?
No. Been to both, didn’t really like either–although Will & Emma’s tour of “Cool LA” was a better sell than any native tour of Manhattan that I had. If I had to pick a major U.S. city it would be either Boston or Minneapolis, depending on why I was forced to pick.

E-mail or snail mail?
Email, if only because the roundtrip time is so much shorter, and I don’t have to remember to get a stamp and actually mail things.

Portraits or landscapes?
Landscapes. I can remember who I want to be there with.

Big mouth or big eyes?
Eyes. Take it all in. And I crumble for the Bambi look.

Books or movies?
Ha. I don’t really have to even type it, do I?

Neat or comfortable?
Comfortable. The process of making things, including me, neat is a tool for either beginning a major project, or avoiding it.

Summer or winter?
In Ontario my answer was winter, since as much as it is often a pain, I find it more bearably than those intensely hot, grotesquely humid days of summer.

In Nova Scotia I can pick summer, since we get all the benefits without those unbearably sticky days.

Mountains or beach?
For playing on, mountains.

For living near, the beach. Although, if Calgary weren’t in Alberta, or if Alberta weren’t so damn right-wing, I could see myself being convinced to move there, just to have the mountains in the scenery and close enough for day-trip hiking in Banff.

Silence or noise?
Silence. I moved to the woods for a reason. If there is going to be noise it has to be either my noise, or nature’s. Not my neighbour’s, and certainly not my neighbour’s thirteen-year-old kids choice in music.

Pants or skirts?
Skirts. Hell, I’d wear them all the time if they were socially acceptable. (I wanted to get married in a kilt, but I was… um… veto’d.) And girls look better in them. Especially the twirly gypsy ones. Or, on certain women, the dangerous ones. Sadly, those women are usually big touble, and are really only good for looking at.

Music or silence?
Music. So long as it isn’t selections from the thirteen-year-old…

You and I or me and you?
You and I. The Queen’s English must be defended. Also, it’s “try to” not “try and” (unless you really are that sure). The serial comma is important. Quotations marks are not for emphasis.

Long or short hair?
Long, unless you are balding. I am so sad that I am a short-hair these days, but it’s the law for people with bald spots. Hockey-hair (a.k.a. the mullet, shorty-longback, etc.) is not long hair.

Perfume or perspiration?
Perfume. You are a lovely woman, I am sure, but I don’t need to know what your sweat smells like unless I’m married to you.

Comedy or horror?
For novels it doesn’t matter, so long as it’s well done I will take either.

Comedy for the cinema. There is no horror cinema anymore, just gore and shock.

Jam or butter?
Jam. Raspberry or Blackberry, please.

Velvet or silk?
Silk. Velvet is decadent, silk is naughty. Naughty is more fun.

Country or city?
Country, but within the city’s sphere of influence. I want silence and deer in my back yard, but I want to be within driving distance of good bookstores, live music, a theatre, etc. If I had to go completely one way or another I would be country, since I can have books mailed to me, etc.

Persian carpets or hardwood floor?
Hardwood. You get to slide around in your socks. And I find Persian carpets kind of ugly.

Cake or pie?
Pie. Cake gets stale, or often isn’t moist enough to begin with, but pie stays yummy. Pie gets all the good fillings, too.

Monroe or Madonna?
Monroe. If I have to choose between a blonde sexbomb with a public personna of being a bit of a ditz, and an unattractive skank with an incredible mind for PR it’s pretty simple. I’ve never understood people who thought Madonna was sexy.

Wool or cashmere?
Cashmere. It’s all about comfort.

Regular or premium?
For gas, regular. For coffee, premium.

Boxers or briefs?
Fitted boxers. Best of both worlds. You get support with mobility, and the comfort of knit cotton. Plus, if you buy Fruit Of The Loom, the fitted boxers have this FTL logo on them, so you can refer to them as your ‘faster than light’ underwear. (If you are a hopeless science fiction geek.)

Garters or pantyhose?
Garters. Pantyhose is something your Mom and your Grandmother wore. Garters are something that crazy German girl you travelled around Spain with wore.

Car or motorcycle?
Car. Pirsig can argue all he wants that travelling in a car is like watching a scene, where travelling by bike is being in the scene, but I live in Canada–there are several months a year where you don’t want to be quite that much in the scene. Besides, how can you roadtrip without music, and a selection of caffeinated beverages at hand?

Bagels or toast?
Bagels. Preferrably Montreal bagels, with sesame seeds. Some cream cheese is nice, but you can keep that smoked salmon. Really, it’s fine. More for you.

Hitchcock or Poirot?
Hitchcock. They both understood psychology, but Hitchcock showed the effects to you, where Poirot was all about telling you about them. And Hitchcock cast Grace Kelly in Rear Window.

Red wine or white wine?
Red. A big, powerful red. A California Zinfandel, or an Australian Shiraz.

Beard or smooth?
Beard. If only I could grow one that was more Neat Saddam, and less Spiderhole Saddam.

Sail or swim?
Swim. Swimming to me is a kind of play, not a kind of exercise. Sailing, on the other hand, is work. Unless you get invited for a sail by someone with a boat big enough to have a crew (but you would hate that guy, and rather be swimming.)

Modern or antique?
My gut reaction was to say ‘antique’ since I thought initially of furniture, or maybe jewellry, but you know, even for that stuff I prefer the modern. (That’s small ‘m’ modern, not the scary black and chrome stuff.)

Grass or sand?
Grass. It much nicer to walk on when the sun is out, and your calves don’t get as tired. Plus, you the snakes you find in the grass are much more socialble than the ones you find in the sand.

Movies or films?
Films. Watching a movie is what you do when you want to shut your brain down for a while. A film is a serious work that challenges you or something pretentious like that. Last Orders was a film based on a novel. I, Robot was a movie (theoretically) based on a novel.

Lemon or lime?
Lime. It’s tangier. It goes better in rye’n’ginger. Key Lime Pie beats Lemon Meringue all to pieces.

Bed or couch?
The couch is better for power naps, reading, and watching television. And for sitting with the laptop in your lap and messing with the computer.

The bed is better for sleeping, and other activities.

Stockings or bare skin?
Bare. I go May-to-November with sandals and bare feet whenever possible. For women, I’d rather see their ankles and feet than stockings.

Inside or outside?
Outside. I like the nature walk, or reading on a bench beside the water.

Opera or rock ‘n roll?
Rock ‘n’ Roll. There are too many high notes and not enough bass in most operas. (Although I am fine with Tommy or Todd Machover’s opera of VALIS, or Peter Hammill’s Fall Of The House Of Usher, etc.)

Sneakers or boots?
Boots. Either Docs (eight holes), or Blundstone 500s.

And for women, certainly boots. Anything from army boots with the print dress all the way through to the lovely Italian leather with the elegant power suit is better than sneakers. Sneakers on the commute is fine though–I’m all about comfort.

London or Paris?
Paris. The French have more fun. Of course, you must expect your ability to speak the language to be impugned, but that’s part of the fun. What is Paris without the stereotypical there-is-no-D-sound-in-Pernod waiter.

Flats or pumps?
Pumps look better. But by all means wear what’s comfortable.

Pencil or pen?
Pencil. I’m an engineer. I expect to make mistakes, find them, and fix them.

It sure is easier to read stuff written in ink, though.

Crosswords or editorials?
Editorials. Give me opinion and argument. Give me perspective. I can play with words while drinking with my own little Algonquin Roundtable.

Cinnamon or spearmint gum?
Cinnamon. It’s bark, and it’s tasty. It goes in boozy cider drinks, and lovely pies.

Spearmint is the least fun of the mint flavours (Wintergreen, for the record, is the mack daddy of mints. Peppermint is better than spearmint.)

Old Star Trek or Star Trek, The Next Generation?
No. (DS9 if I have to pick, but I have better uses for my time.)

Tent or hotel room?
Hotel. Bring me room service and a wireless connection. Only children and back country hikers have an excuse for enjoying sleeping on the ground. (This goes double for music festivals.)

Drip or espresso?
Espresso. I do like a concentrated blast of flavour every now and then.

Rafting or boating?
Boating. There is some Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn appeal to rafting in the lazy river sense (where there is no appeal in the whitewater sense), but that loses out to the Travis McGee appeal of the boating life.

Elevator or stairs?
Stairs. Healthier, and less likelier to be trapped for hours with a smelly dude. As a bonus, the stairways are often part of the world behind the curtain–they give you a bit of reality in buildings that are otherwise relentless in presenting a carefully sculpted appearance.

Convertible or sunroof?
Sunroof. Convertibles are essentially useless in Canada. The sunroof, however, is still annoying, and I’d really rather have neither.

Love or lust?
Obviously, I’ll take both, since I happen to know it’s possible.