I think I’d rather be outside the tent pissing in…

This just makes me laugh. I think that means a good portion of my friends are banned, some of them several times. In fact, I can think of at least one of my friends who is banned four times by that sign.

Because of the somewhat scattershot way my brain works, this makes me think of my long-time favourite passage in the Bible: Revelations 22:14-15 (You know it was going to be Revelations, right? That’s the bestest, most awesomest part of the Bible. At least it’s the part that’s most fun to read aloud in your best mock-Southern Born Again accent.)

It goes like this:

14: Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city.

15: For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

So, basically, if you do what you are told, then you get the prize and get to come in with the A crowd. The rest of y’all? Go fuck yourselves. If you don’t do what you’re told, you’re stuck on the Group W bench with the whoremongers and lie-lovers.

Tongue-in-cheek aside: Are all novelists automatically included in those who “maketh a lie”? I mean, what is fiction except telling stories about things that never actually happened? Sure, there’s that idea of “dramatic truth” or “a deeper truth” but I wonder if whoever’s guarding the door to keep out dogs and sorcerers will be all that philosophical about things? Of course, there is some precedent for fiction-with-a-message, but too much message made too obvious does tend to suck all the fun out of a story. Does all this make serious readers of fiction those who “loveth a lie”?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that given the choice I’d rather spend the rest of my life with the second group, even if it would be a shorter and scarier life. I just can’t stand people who are good at following orders without questioning them. (This also reminds me of the Tom Wilson quoteIt was in the liner notes for Birthday Boy, where Tom writes this about the song Drink: “I once took a bus all the way from Toronto to Kingston, Ontario to punch a guy in the mouth. It was worth the 3 hour ride just to see him hit the floor. I started writing this song in Kingston 9 years ago. I finished it in 10 minutes in the studio after somebody mentioned the town while we were recording. I lived in Kingston for a very short while. It made me aggressive. It’s a strange town dressed up with snotty stores that have pot pourri and dried flowers in their windows. Kingston has 2 institutions; prison and university. I’ve only known a few guys who have ended up behind bars in Kingston, and I must say I liked them better than most people I’ve ever met who opened a book at any university.” about which of the two institutions in Kingston has more interesting people in it.)

Incidentally, I am certain that at some point I am going write a novel (just for me, not for publication–I don’t have the self-discipline to actually learn the craft of writing) and it will be titled “Dogs and Sorcerers”. Just as soon as I finish “No Small Wonder”–that’s been on page 16 for about a decade now, so don’t hold your breath.

Oh, and while I’m (apparently) just rambling, I love the next bit of that chapter of Revelations as well, wherein God lays out his no-modifications open license for the text of the Bible:

18: For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

19: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

Boy, you’d have either be an atheist, or else insanely self-confident, to attempt a translation of the text, eh? If you accidentally add something, then you get a whole pile of plagues. If you accidentally lose something in the translation then you’re trapped out with me and the dogs and sorcerers…