Objective (If Sexist) Fact.

I admit it, I am too insanely busy at work to generate much useful content this week.

However, I do want to quickly share with you some simple facts, that might be helpful in settling a discussion that comes up time and time again.

In the wake of the post-holiday sales, I acquired the four volumes of “the Ultimate James Bond collection”. And, having reviewed almost none of the material, I am prompted to clear up the chronic question of who the top five Bond girls are.

Some people might try to tell you that this is a matter of taste, and de gustibus non est disputandum, etc. This puts my in mind my long lost rocket scientist friend who was known to hold forth on how evaluation of the quality of music was “90% subjective, but there’s 5% that’s just crap and if you like it you’re wrong, and 5% that’s just genius and if you don’t like it you’re wrong”. I’m not sure I want to defend his proportions, but I like the idea that there are some things–even on a spectrum that is primarily subjectve–that are just objective fact.

So, while the ordering of Bond girls below the top five may remain a matter of discussion, I hereby assert that the objectively correct top five are as follows, and that anyone who disagrees, while they may be entertaining, are just wrong.

Number One – Diana Rigg
Film: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Rationale: Do I really have to justify this? It’s Diana Rigg. It’s Emma Peel as a bad girl. In the movie she’s the rich, decadent, and self-destructive daughter of the head Europe’s largest criminal organization. She can drive the getaway car. She looks great in her Spanish outfit. She gets James Bond to retire and settle down. ’nuff said.

Number Two – Carole Bouquet
Film: For Your Eyes Only
Rationale: I think this might have been the first Bond movie I actually saw in the theatre. Carole certainly made an impression on me. Her character was half-Greek, and exotic, and she certainly protrayed that. To a large extent she formed the basis for my ideal “Mediterranean” woman. Those eyebrows, and that expression that spoke of depths within. And, of course, there’s also the matter of that crossbow, how cute she looked in the diving suit, and the legs.

Number Three – Michelle Yeoh
Film: Tomorrow Never Dies
Rationale: Once again it’s beauty plus competence. Michelle Yeoh is stunning, and her character is (at least) Bond’ equal. She makes the other “Bond girl” in the movie–Terri Hatcher–fade into the background. None of the other “agent”-type Bond girls, ally, reluctant ally, or enemy can compare.

Tied For Numbers Four and Five – Martine Beswicke and Aliza Gur
Film: From Russia With Love
Rationale: I believe “crazy hot, knife-fighting, Gypsy girls” should really cover that. (Incidentally Martine also shows up in a different role in Thunderball. I think only she and Maud Adams have been two different Bond girls.)

Should you wish to review candidates for the positions from number six on down, or if you have a wrong-headed notion of debating the first five positions, you might find this Bond Girls reference useful. If you can work in French this one is also useful.