Attention All Humans

OK, look, it’s been almost two years since I felt compelled to give all humanity a command, but this one has really been building up.

Here’s the core of it: an escalator is not a ride. This is not an amusement park, it’s a tool to speed traffic between different levels. You don’t just stand there–your legs still work.

Maybe… just maybe, I can see an argument for not walking up an escalator, if you are incredibly lazy. I mean, it’s equivalent to walking up stairs, right? And that’s too hard for you. OK, I get that.

But come on, going DOWN an escalator? That’s like going down stairs–it’s not work, it’s controlled falling. Gravity does all the work, you just steer. There’s no excuse for just standing there unless you’re actually an invalid. If your legs and knees work, and you stand on a down escalator, you are too lazy for words–and that’s coming from me, and I’m the laziest person I know.

And here’s the big one: even if you are such a complete slug that you need to stand on the escalator, you need to at least figure out how to stand on the correct side of the escalator and not block traffic for the people who are capable of actually handling stairs.

So, here’s the executive summary: Escalators, not a ride. Stand right, walk left.

(This post brought to you by those three women in the mall. You know who you are.)